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Oct. 20, 2022

Ne’er the Twain Shall Meet

Ne’er the Twain Shall Meet

The first episode of Two Twits and Twain, entitled “Ne’er the Twain Shall Meet,” is about to commence.

Brace yourselves. There is a rumor that Mark Twain himself has reincarnated - at least in the studios of Two Twits and Twain! Are the rumors of his appearance just as errant as once were the rumors of his demise?? Stay tuned to find out!


Two Twits & Twain


Episode 1 - Ne’er the Twain shall meet?

The first episode of Two Twits and Twain, entitled “Ne’er the Twain shall meet,” is about to commence.

Brace yourselves. There is a rumor that Mark Twain himself has reincarnated - at least in the studios of Two Twits and Twain. Are the rumors of his appearance just as errant as once were the rumors of his demise?? Stay tuned to find out!

Music Introduction – Banjo music 

Doc:  Hello, everybody! I’m Doc, one of the Two Twits and I’m so happy you are joining us today on this first of many Two Twits and Twain broadcasts. We hope you feel entertained and get a few laughs over these next fifteen or so minutes. 

But, as our show’s title so cleverly indicates, I am not alone. Let me introduce Clark, Twit number two, who is chomping at the bit to say ‘Hi.’

C:     Hello, Doc, and hello, lucky listeners. We two Twits are so pleased to have you with us for a little… twit of fun. 

D.  Please excuse him…I’m not responsible for anything he says…

C. Ahem…thank you Doctor. Now if I may continue… What’s this all about, I suppose you listeners must be asking. It’s a good question and a good place to start, and I’ll leave it to Doc to fill in the details.

D. It is an amazing story….let me take you back… 

 (music for back in time – harp?)  

One day, I was gazing out my window, musing, as Twits often do. I was thinking of how much I’d love to do a podcast one day…but with someone I really like and who doesn’t mind, and in fact, loves talking and having fun.

Well, as that thought filled my mind, I suddenly heard Clark’s voice, acknowledging my desire…it went like this…

“From far off France I heard the call…” (Goulet snippet I have)

C.      Yes, Doc, I picked up that thought, and I couldn’t wait to start. That’s where I am, right now, in far off France, only something like five or six thousand miles from Colorado. But we would not let that stop us. That tiny detail could never separate two loveable Twits.

      I wanted in on this deal – and I was hooked - hook, line and…hope we don’t stinker!



Doc:    All of that wasn’t by accident. Oh, no! I’ve had the…uh…the ‘privilege’ to know and perform next to Clark for almost 50 years!

Clark: And a…ahem…’privilege’ it’s been for me, too, Doc.! No, seriously (and we won't have many of those moments!) we’ve been best friends for all those years. 

We started when we were 6!  (laugh sound?)

  Hope the younger crowd can appreciate what we’re doing!

Doc:    Fagetaboutit. All we want to do is attract people who love music, love having fun, enjoy some wit and wisdom from time to time – and might feel good learning something from a couple of old farts!  Age is of no significance…

Hey, before we go any further…I need to clear something up.  It has to do with Clark’s rather resonant voice and the obvious balance difference between the two of us.  Much of that is because it’s just the way his voice sounds.  Some is due to the audio connection between Colorado and France.  This is being recorded in Colorado…so his voice does tend to pick up a bit of sonority as it rolls with the waves across the Atlantic…


    Don’t think anyone’s buying that…

Clark:  OK, OK…  But I think we need to explain something…How does that third T…this Twain fellow enter the picture?

Doc:    Good Question!

    When I was giving some thought to this podcast…which has been in the planning stage for many…well, at least three weeks…I really wanted a 3rd name in the title – and since we were both fans of the literary prowess...and wit…and wisdom of Samuel Clemens…or Mark Twain…it was an easy choice. 

C:    That’s true, Doc. But really, what has that got to do with anything. He’s hardly available. Mr. Twain has not been with us for over 100 years.

Doc:  Well, hold your horses, Clark. I’m excited because I’ve been informed…by what is supposed to be a reliable source…that Mark Twain is supposed to show up…Here…

C:  Where’s ‘here’?.  

D: Well, colorful Colorado, of course. And, apparently, this is not an impersonator…but more like a reincarnation.

C:  What? Doc, whadya’ been smoking?? (Though, I hear it’s legal in Colorado…)

D: I’m  Dead serious --- and I use that term literally!


C:  You mean it’s Hal Holbrook, the great Twain impersonator? 

Doc:  No, no, he insisted that it would be better than Hal.  It would actually be the reincarnation of Mr. Mark Twain!

Clark:  Oh, Sure!!!! Now I know you’ve been indulging…

Doc:    Yeah…I bet that’s what you think. And that’s what I said, more or less, to my source!  But (don’t get on MY case, just IN case it doesn’t happen!)…anyway, he insisted that he could make it happen!  That’s why my source didn’t want to be identified…just in case it doesn’t happen…but, I was told he’d show up today, about this time.

Clark:  Are you sure your ‘source’ wasn’t a ‘souce?’  What a crazy story. That guy must be a nut case. 

To think we’d believe that… he must think we’re a couple of Twits…

Doc:    Uh, we are…but, to be honest with you, Twit #2. I feel the same way. So, let’s not get our hopes up.  I really think I’ll be the MOST surprised!

    C:   Hey, Doc, you and I have talked about doing something together, maybe not a podcast, but something for a long time. Remember when we first started talking about doing a real show, radio, TV, whatever…dare I say it, almost fifty years ago?

Can you take us back again…before the ‘guest’ arrives (oh, geez, crazy)...take us way back to ‘yesteryear’…when we first had that thought. take us back, back, back, back (fading with each repetition – then add Harp music…)

D.  Yes, I remember it plainly. (Harp music) We were in a very unaccustomed position…sipping Scotch together. It was then that one of us said, I think it was me, “we ought to be on the radio!”

C.  That's right! And I said, “Dammit, Doc, you’re right!”

D.  Hey Clark, what do you think about us doing our own radio show? We’re young and handsome and talented and….

C.  Whoa, Doctor, Our own radio show?

D  That’s right. - radio!” 

C. I know that we possess all of those qualities that you rattled off, but who’d want to listen to us – they might end up calling us a couple of Twits!

D. Well, we are, but we might need some help to fully escape that epithet to others….  Maybe a famous personality could join us…

(Harp music)

C.  But, Doc, but you never did tell me who that famous personality would be. And now, all these years later, when we finally have the gumption and goofy confidence that our dotage gives us, you are telling me that we do have that person? And it’s Mark Twain…

D. Well, maybe…

C. And then you said, “we ought to be on TV!”

“Sure…TV. But, then, I said to you, “which of those 3 channels would have us?!”

D:  “Ha ha, Clark. We’re not THAT old…well, maybe. Anyway, now there are lots of channels…but as a wise man once said, I’ve got 150 channels, but nothin’s on…)

C.  Ah, but then there occurred that one Golden Moment…

D.  Explain…

C.  TV! - QVC – the home shopping channel…”

D.  Hey, yes, we did that…singing with the Fabulous Fourmeldyhides…national TV to boot!” We even did it in London. Love that a cappella doowop music!

(one of our songs)

C: BTW, what does QVC stand for??

D:  Uh.. I don’t know – uh, quiet vocal choir, or maybe it’s French, quelle voix, (kell vwhaa)  Clark! or real American like Quit Vying for Cash…or…

C:  Anyway, Doc, so we got on TV before we got on the radio?

D:  Yes, exactly, it was a bit bass ‘ackwards.

C.   And, we’re still not on the radio!

D.   So, we’re still bass ‘ackwards??”

C.  Yes, ‘fraid so…”A bit twittish…

D.  Not too surprising…Anyhoo, here we are on a podcast…hopefully we’ll be casting pods for a long time to come, Clark.

C.  Yes, with some colorful memories – no doubt!

(Musical break)

Clark:  Doc, I think it time to clue our audience in a bit more about who WE are…not too much, mind you. They’re going to find out lots more as they listen, so let’s just give them a very short history. By the way, for the masochists in the listening audience, you can actually read our bios on the website www.twotwitsandtwain.com - that’s two, t-w-o. of our histories. Have fun!

           Hey, Doc,   Want me to go first?

Doc:    Go for it!

Clark:    (Born in Des Moines, Iowa, my precursor to living in France - well, in name only…went to ND, worked in Chicago… then, almost 50 years ago, lost in Omaha, started singing all over the place, owned a travel agency… Still lost in Omaha. Formed the Fabulous Fourmeldyhides, got out of Omaha. Went to San Diego. Got married (me that is). Got divorced (Doc, that is).

    Moved to France (me, that is). Moved to Colorado (Doc that is). Bla, bla..Wasn’t that fascinating, Doc?? 

Doc:    Well…I’m impressed…hope nobody fell asleep during that diatribe…

Clark:  OK…Mr. Docky…your turn!  Wake me up when you’re finished.

Doc:    Born & raised in Sheboygan, WI…yup – I’m a cheese-head…Green Bay Packer fan.

Went to the University of WI where I had deluded ambitions of becoming a concert pianist.  Girls were more important than practicing 6 hours a day!

Went into theatre... and then… wound up in the travel industry – where I met Clark – in Omaha – where we performed a lot.

You’ve already been privy to the term Fabulous Fourmel’dyhides – a Doo-wop group that we began – traveled two continents – had a ball for 5 years! 


You’ll be hearing more about that.

Did some time, I mean, spent some time in construction & marketing – did national public speaking workshops, authored a book – but always kept my finger in music & theatre.  Directed choral groups and Broadway Musicals for over 40 years - with full orchestras.  Oh…IT WAS FUN!!! BUT….the FAB FOUR…with Clark…was the MOST FUN!!!

C. But, Doc, you forgot (…interrupted)

 (Knock, knock…Mark is here.)

(Knocking on door is heard)

Clark: Hey Doc, is that coming from your end?

Doc:    I don’t think so…let me check…it might be the mail man.

(Sound of Door Opening)




Doc:    Clark – you ARE NOT gonna believe this!  I don’t know that I can’t believe it!

C.  Believe what??

Mark:  Hello…please excuse me…I believe I’ve been sent to the wrong place.  I was supposed to be giving a Eulogy for a Myrtle Finkelbine…and this doesn’t look like a funeral to me…

Doc:    No, this isn’t a funeral…but, are you who I think you are???

Mark:  My name is Sam…Samuel Clemens.  Most people know me as Mark Twain.  Now, you might remember that there were rumors circulatin’ around about my demise.  Well…they weren’t rumors, and they weren’t exaggerated.  I’m dead. 


Doc:    I’m having a hard time getting my head around this…but through a strange set of circumstances, we were sort of expecting you.  Here, have a seat.


Clark:  Doc…I can’t see. What’s going on?!

Doc:    Well…it appears that my reliable souce may have just delivered the goods!  Hold on…

    …If you really are Mark Twain, where did you come from?

Mark: Well…I don’t rightly know.  They say that when you die you either go to Heaven for the climate…or Hell for the company.  Well…the climate is right nice…sort of like Hawaia.  And the company?...well…it ain’t bad…mostly.

    At any rate, it’s been a long trip, and I’m a bit tired – so why should I stay here?

Doc:    Well, you’re here to talk.  I understand you quite enjoy that pastime.

Mark: Sure…I enjoy it as long as I’m talkin’ to people who’ll listen to me…and who have an imagination.  That’s my only condition for stayin’ around for a while.   You MUST use your imagination!

Doc:    Clark…did you hear that?!  What do you say?

Clark:  Doc, can you text me a picture of him?

Doc:    OK…just a second…(Hesitation) Damn! The camera on my phone isn’t working!  It’s not able to capture any image of our guest…this is strange…

Clark: OK, I believe he’s there – with that voice! This is crazy! 


Oh, well, can I ask a question of Mr. Twain?

Mark: Go right ahead, young feller…

 Clark:  Why do we have to use our imagination?

Mark: Well, because I said so. Imagination is a precious thing!  Why, it peoples the earth with all manner of wonders…strange beasts, birds, angels, Cherubim, Seraphin…and it must be exercised!!!  No child should be permitted to grow up without exercise for imagination!  It enriches life.  It makes things beautiful…and wonderful…and excitin!  You cannot depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus!

Clark:    You have an amazingly persuasive nature about you, Mr. Twain!

Mark:    I’ve been told that…

Clark:  We also understand that you’re a musician.  You’ve kept that well-hidden.

Mark:  Well, I never thought I was good enough, but I do play banjo.

Clark:  Wow! Hope to hear that sometime.

Still can’t believe you are here! And…seeing you in person – sort of. This has been incredible.

Mark:  Well, it is hard to resist the call of Two Twits…

Clark:  And I can tell you, I’m all a-twitter…


Clark:  I’d love for us to keep going, but Doc has just signaled that our allotted time is up for this very first podcast of the Twits. 

But listeners, Doc and I will be doing this again…and, hey Mr. Twain..

Mark: Call me, Mark…

C. Mark, would you be willing to join us again?  We’ve only scratched the surface.  We’d love to hear more from you! Perhaps you could even play your banjo next time!

Mark: I’m usually willing to try new things…and this “podcast” thing certainly qualifies!  The most important issue for me, is that you two gentlemen are eminently qualified as credible conversationalists!  So the answer is………..perhaps.   It all depends if you can get a message to me regarding your next session.  Good luck.

Doc:    I’ll ask my friend if he can act as a conduit!

Mark:    Oh…you mean George?

Doc:    Ummm….er….yes….I suppose…

Clark:  Sounds like the cat is out of the bag, Doc…George!

Doc:    Well…half out...there happen to be lots of Georges in this world…

Mark:  Alright…are we through?  I’ve been travelin’ a fer piece…and it’s time for my nap.  Lookin’ forward to our next time together.

(Slow footsteps and door shuts)

Doc:    Did you hear that??  He’ll be back!!!!  

C.  Well, Doc, I don’t know what to say! What a treat… but, what the heck just happened??

Doc:  I’m not sure, but he did show up and even though my source said it might happen, I must confess that,  (pause), I “never thought the Twain I’d meet!”


Clark:  Well, we’ll have some time to recover from this extraordinary appearance of Mark Twain before our next episode…when he just about promised he might return!

Doc: So right. And, speaking of next time, we’d love to hear from you at:   contact@twotwitsandtwain.com, that’s t-w-o and, when you get there, just press the button to be added to our list of followers and you’ll be first to know when the next episode is ready to hear or download. And, don’t forget to tell your friends about the Two Twits & Twain…

C:   Well said, Doc. So,…until next time…I’m Clark

Doc:  And I’m Doc. Until next time…and stay connected with your imagination!!!  From Two Twits & Twain!